How To Not Have a Boyfriend…
To all the girls who want to be SSB (Single Since Birth) until they’re 22 or even older, read on and learn how it is done.
1. Stuff your bra with newspaper for a stage performance.
Your mad-awesome divaliscious Mariah Carey spoof/stand up gig ought to be done in front of your entire high school, just before you graduate. If a random batchmate asks if he can touch your hardened E-cups, allow him to. Afterall, it’s just crumpled paper, right? This may hunt you ’til your grandkids get married but hey! It’ll work, I tell you.
2. When guys ask you for your number, tell them “Sorry but my parents are strict”.
Well, even if your parents don’t care if you fail your subjects or they allow you to sniff cocaine, bottomline is, guys have to know that you’re not an easy ho.
3. Sing on your first date. A Japanese song. And fail miserably.
This won’t let you down, promise. You could expect your date’s reaction to go from this ^_^ to this O_o to this -_-;; and finally this X_x. Especially if you choose an anime OST, preferably those from Magic Knight Ray Earth or YuGiOh.
4. Wear shirts that say “SUCK YOU MADDA PUSSY” (even if the grammar’s wrong).
I mean, how come guys seem to be the only ones wearing vulgar statement shirts? I say that’s sexist and discriminatory. Go ahead, wear shirts with pictures of tampons or Che Guevara in a pink tutu giving us all a middle finger. Believe me, no guy- make that no person would want to be associated with you.
5. When going out, drink a lot, smoke like a chimney and be all boisterous and shit.
And don’t forget- dance the night away ala Paris Hilton on horse tranquilizer.
6. Fall asleep in a PUV (public utility vehicle) with your mouth open.
Hey, can you be blamed if you’re really really tired because you’re finishing your thesis and editing your finals for film class at the same time? Noooo!!! Plus, ‘sif you’re the only one who’s ever done that! *insert glare here*
7. Wear pink hair. On national TV. Every single week.
Tell me, who can possibly resist the hotness of a girl with a pink wig jumping around in her schoolgirl outfit glomping anyone who comes near her? (Sole reader answers: “Most guys who are in their right mind… and who don’t go sniffing used panties of adolescent girls.) MY POINT EXACTLY.
8. Be honest about the gigs and gigs of porn in your hard disc especially if they’re of the gay sex variety.
I refuse to elaborate.
9. Impersonate random singers like Britney, Shakira or Mandy Moore in front of random people while randomly dancing at the school halls.
And do this when you’re in grade school, high school AND college. Hell, do this as a birthday gift to your professor or a gimmick to make people sign up for your org or just when you’re dying of boredom. You’d surely get LOLZ from friends and stares of repulsion from cute dudes and well, everyone else.
10. Be in love with the same guy for 5 years even if you know it’s unrequited.
Because all the other guys will seem inadequate and puny compared to him… You wouldn’t want to settle for anyone less. Before you know it, you’d be an old maid already with an intact hymen but hey, at least you didn’t lower your standards!
The things mentioned above may or may not be based on me. I may or may not be a bitter, single young woman contemplating on being a lesbian instead. This entry may or may not add to my coolness factor.
Trackback from your site.