How To Not Have a Boyfriend…

Written by funnysexy on August 1st, 2007. Posted in Love and Relationships, Personal

To all the girls who want to be SSB (Single Since Birth) until they’re 22 or even older, read on and learn how it is done.

1. Stuff your bra with newspaper for a stage performance.

Your mad-awesome divaliscious Mariah Carey spoof/stand up gig ought to be done in front of your entire high school, just before you graduate. If a random batchmate asks if he can touch your hardened E-cups, allow him to. Afterall, it’s just crumpled paper, right? This may hunt you ’til your grandkids get married but hey! It’ll work, I tell you.

2. When guys ask you for your number, tell them “Sorry but my parents are strict”.

Well, even if your parents don’t care if you fail your subjects or they allow you to sniff cocaine, bottomline is, guys have to know that you’re not an easy ho.

3. Sing on your first date. A Japanese song. And fail miserably.

This won’t let you down, promise. You could expect your date’s reaction to go from this ^_^ to this O_o to this -_-;; and finally this X_x. Especially if you choose an anime OST, preferably those from Magic Knight Ray Earth or YuGiOh.

4. Wear shirts that say “SUCK YOU MADDA PUSSY” (even if the grammar’s wrong).

I mean, how come guys seem to be the only ones wearing vulgar statement shirts? I say that’s sexist and discriminatory. Go ahead, wear shirts with pictures of tampons or Che Guevara in a pink tutu giving us all a middle finger. Believe me, no guy- make that no person would want to be associated with you.

5. When going out, drink a lot, smoke like a chimney and be all boisterous and shit.

And don’t forget- dance the night away ala Paris Hilton on horse tranquilizer.

6. Fall asleep in a PUV (public utility vehicle) with your mouth open.

Hey, can you be blamed if you’re really really tired because you’re finishing your thesis and editing your finals for film class at the same time? Noooo!!! Plus, ‘sif you’re the only one who’s ever done that! *insert glare here*

7. Wear pink hair. On national TV. Every single week.

Tell me, who can possibly resist the hotness of a girl with a pink wig jumping around in her schoolgirl outfit glomping anyone who comes near her? (Sole reader answers: “Most guys who are in their right mind… and who don’t go sniffing used panties of adolescent girls.) MY POINT EXACTLY.

8. Be honest about the gigs and gigs of porn in your hard disc especially if they’re of the gay sex variety.

I refuse to elaborate.

9. Impersonate random singers like Britney, Shakira or Mandy Moore in front of random people while randomly dancing at the school halls.

And do this when you’re in grade school, high school AND college. Hell, do this as a birthday gift to your professor or a gimmick to make people sign up for your org or just when you’re dying of boredom. You’d surely get LOLZ from friends and stares of repulsion from cute dudes and well, everyone else.

10. Be in love with the same guy for 5 years even if you know it’s unrequited.

Because all the other guys will seem inadequate and puny compared to him… You wouldn’t want to settle for anyone less. Before you know it, you’d be an old maid already with an intact hymen but hey, at least you didn’t lower your standards!

The things mentioned above may or may not be based on me. I may or may not be a bitter, single young woman contemplating on being a lesbian instead. This entry may or may not add to my coolness factor.

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  • anndie

    When i tell guys I’ve been SSB, they automatically think I’m a lesbian. It doesn’t help that I came from an all girl school.

  • http://gulagula.wordpress.com/ mel

    No. 8 rolls me over. ROFL.

  • http://blog.ademagnaye.com Ade

    Let me guess, you’ve tried all these things?

  • http://bakahachi.livejournal.com DeePotPot

    I’m already 17 and I don’t even intend to have a boyfriend. In our class, there’s this NBSB group consisting of the most studious girls in the section. We’re proud of the fact that no guy has ever made our lives miserable. When guys ask for my number, I tell them that I have no cellphone. Who cares? And as to what Anndie said, some people think I am lesbian just because they are aware that I haven’t had a boyfriend yet. And oh, you’re still cool! :)

  • funnysexy

    @ Anndie

    When i tell guys I’ve been SSB, they automatically think I’m an alien. Or suffering from chronic epilepsis.

    @ Mel

    Welcome to my blog! ^^ GAY PORN FTW!

    @ Ade

    The things mentioned above may or may not be based on me

    @ Deepotpot

    Dear, you’re like.. 17. When I was 17 mysle,f I didn’t intend to have a BF either (well, I fell in love but it’s a different case). Most people I knew before were only allowed to have a boyfriend til they’re 18. Hell, some didn’t have a BF til they’re 19 or 20 and they got pregnant. So yeah, it’s pretty early for you… Enjoy your youth. And wtf my comment made me feel old. X__x

  • http://saihara.livejournal.com MIRA

    JUST SO YOU KNOW I’VE ALWAYS DONE NUMBER 6. And I’m 19. Okay now point there, but I probably don’t want a boyfriend yet, I’m trying to make myself pretty so I can come back a year later and laugh at the assholes I know.

  • Victoria aka Beekers

    Kring, natilamsikan ako ng mantika sa #10 XDDD

  • http://www.kirby-agudelo.net kirby agudelo

    hahaha go genki girl!!!! i just love that outfit :p

  • funnysexy

    @ MIRA

    Ahahahaha! *apir* But you’re still young in my books and I say fuck it to all the guys who only likes pretty chics. Srsly, I had HS crushes ask me out now that I look different from before.

    @ Beekers

    Ka-relate? ^_~

    @ Kirby

    ORLY?
    WAI.     It’s coz you dig Japanese high school girls, noh? :P

  • http://blog.ademagnaye.com Ade

    ORLY? :P

  • http://www.kirby-agudelo.net kirby agudelo

    hahahaha wow you really hit the spot :)

  • funnysexy

    @ Ade:
    OYASS!

    @ Kirby:

    Unfortunately, dear, I ain’t a schoolgirl nor a Japanese. I tried to be but failed miserably and I can’t believe those rhymed. -_-” but hey, I’m still hot.

  • Darla

    9. Impersonate random singers like Britney, Shakira or Mandy Moore in front of random people while randomly dancing at the school halls.

    I did that one, except it was Arashi and I was a bit tipsy at the time (nothing impresses guys more than the dance moves from “Kittou Daijoubu” >.<).

    I’m a bit tempted to go on a “males suck and aren’t worth fretting over rant,” but I understand where you’re coming from because I was in the same situation of having been single for a long time, and it does suck. I will say this though, don’t rush into anything because it will likely end up being unfulfilling and only hurt you in the long run.

  • reya

    ROFL

  • funnysexy

    @ Darla

    Whoah! Are they guys who understand Japanese ‘coz if they were, I’m sure they would’ve gone “Sugeeeeee!!” but if they’re white, then yeah… :P Oh don’t worry, hun! I’m not rushing! I don’t think I can handle it right now even. Hence, I’m sure next year I’d be posting How to be 23 y/o and still not have a BF. LOLERCOASTER.

  • Darla

    Haha, no, they were white and one Mexican and they just kind of stared at me. I had a good time though. :) And good, because the last thing you need is to end up with some idiot boy who ends up screwing you over because he’s a stupid bastard who doesn’t know any better (and I’m so not being bitter or anything here…).

  • lilone

    oh dear…. so i’m not the only 20 years old SSB on this planet??! i think i spend way too much time fangirling over JE boys than actually paying attention to boys around me… i set a higher goal… and yes #10 applies to me… except i’ve never reached 5 years… the last guy i was in love with… 3rd year in i was told he’s a bi… well no he put on his profile that he’s interested in male+female… but all his friends speculate that he’s gay and not bi… very very very saddening…

  • SiHo Mara

    yo #10 hits me the hardest… but i think i’ll me moving on.. coz i dont wanna be an old maid :p

  • sm17

    Ah. Another victim of unrequited love. I could go on and on about things I’ve already said to my friends about this before (always punctuated by a punch to the face), but that’d make it too serious. *fans away the serious atmosphere*

    I dunno, but I really don’t mind the “my parents are too strict” thing. I think it’s nice to know that she’s a good girl and she listens to her parents. It just sucks when she uses it you to indirectly say, “no, I don’t like you”.

    The pink hair and the schoolgirl uniform? But… but. I like that! And I’m not an old guy who likes sniffing girls’ underwear! (Last time I checked.)

    And all of the other weird stuff just gives that girl personality. It makes her even more interesting! (Yeah, even the gay porn thing. I deal with yaoi fangirls on a daily basis so it’s not a shocker anymore.)

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