Why Japan Pwnz the World

I think it’s common knowledge among my peers that I am a Japanophile. Others may consider me an otaku (in its loose sense, maybe) but I swear, you could rummage through my stuff and you won’t find any hint of anime there. Okay fine, I got Love Hina but that’s Reya’s. And I have a stack of Japanese magazines, which I can’t, for the love of God read but I bought for the sole purpose of ogling anorexic, half-nekkid, androgynous boys! And sure, I have doramas, movies and whatnot and am currently listening to Salyu’s Tobenai Tsubasa but do these make me an otaku?

Anyway, people have asked me why I like the country. I’m not sure, really. Maybe I’m fascinated with the culture, with the people and maybe, just maybe, with their crack ‘coz we all know nothing beats Chepeneez crack. Hence, this entry and my little list.

1. The Utamaro Festival

Where else in the world can you find a GIANT PINK PENIS being paraded in the streets? Man, and I thought our Parada ng Lechon (Roasted Pork Parade) was winner enough. Forget subliminal phallic symbols, this is the real deal. The huge, erect manhood is in fact being carried around by transvestites and random candies in the shape of peens and bargynas are given away to the children. No shit. The festival apparently dates back to 200 years but I have forgotten what the hell it is for or even why the “statue” has to be pink. I want a miniature version though, as paper weight for my office desk. Anyone?

2. Kogal/Ganguro/Yamanba

They do get a lot of flak for their appearance and behavior but you gotta give props to these girls (and believe it or not, guys) for pulling off a look more bizarre than Boy George’s uhh… persona. They are a subculture. They waste their money and wtf they even have time to put that much make-up on when I can barely comb my hair.

Same as they may seem, they are actually of different categories. Kogal (left) are similar to Valley Girls and they even have their own lingo (just like OMG LIKE OMG it’s Paris or something like whatevuuurrr!). They’re blonde, tanned and skinny and enjoy really really expensive designer goods, which mind-boggles me as they don’t seem to have jobs. Well, at least they still look rather normal to me compared to…

Ganguro (center). They have taken it to another level and use glittery make-up to highlight their dark skin. Oh, let me not forget the cheap stickers they put on their faces for added effect. No dear, looking like an African in platform shoes, rainbow outfit and alien hair doesn’t suit you very well. The extreme cases of Ganguro are called…

Yamanba (right), which is derived from Yama-uba, the name of a mountain hag in Japanese folklore. Er… yeah. Why am I not surprised?

The three, however, are similar in that 1) they are materialistic 2) they wear weird-ass clothes and 3) you wouldn’t want them to be your employee or mother. But you can’t deny though that they make the Olsen twins look under dressed.

3. Game Shows

Seriously. If you have not seen a Japanese game/variety show then clearly, you are trapped in 1996 and haven’t heard of YouTube yet. I don’t think I’d ever see the day when I’d watch a local TV channel and see guys getting crotch-slapped if they don’t get the answer right. Or something as random as Human Tetris and even people trying to stay quiet inside a library but failing miserably. I thought the toilet prank was hilarious but this was… *speechless*.

I grew up watching Takeshi’s castle and assumed I was used to their madness. Boy, was I wrong! Just search for Japanese game shows on YT and be happy we have Wowowee.

4. Ofuro de Kogao

Means “small face in the bath”, which is worn in your restroom and is supposed to make your face smaller. I am compelled to ask “WHY?!” but I’m more bothered by the fact that it looks more like an S&M prop to me. Like something Hannibal Lecter would wear. Dude, love the Japanese and their awesome inventions.

5. Hard Gay (Foooo! *insert pelvic thrusting here with Livin’ La Vida Loca as background music*)

He’s also known as Razor Ramon Sumitani. A wrestler turned comedian and has since become an icon. He has show, a single, and even his own TOMY action figure. He is actually allowed to roam the streets in his infamous leather hot pants/vest AND get to save people’s lives. I mean, if Ricky Martin calls his moves as shaking his bon-bon, then what the hell do we call HG’s uhm, trademark crotch dance?

On my first interview, I showed my boss some HG videos. I was hired immediately.

Okay, this is just part 1. I have more in store ‘coz Japan’s cool like that. Again, I am not an otaku and I may or may not be at MOA this Saturday for the J-culture event.

ps: -_- It took me almost two days to finish this post. Fail
pps: I’m suddenly hungry. I want sushi.
ppps: FEEL FREE TO LINK ME IN YOUR BLOG (or just tell me if you wanna exchange links) as my lack of viewership makes me sad face. It’s like having a show and getting poor ratings. So that’s why the feeling is familiar! Harhar!

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