I Fail at Flirting

Dear 2 readers,

My heart’s going dokidoki once again.

I am crushing on someone. Yihheeeee! Shuddup. I’m just 10 years old, mmmkay?

I know it shouldn’t be a big deal and even talking about it is kinda embarrassing as it only shows how much of a lame-o I am. As you probably know by now, I’ve never really been with anyone before. I’ve never had boys running after me and GUYS + KRING + SWEET/TOUCHY MOMENTS= DISASTARRRR!

You see, I don’t know how to flirt. I fail at it. If it was a subject in school, I would’ve gotten a consistent cinco. Whenever a guy makes his moves on me (which is very very very rare FYI), I start to panic, my palms begin to sweat and I feel a sudden lump in my throat. So the conversation would turn out like this:

GUY: So are you with someone right now?
ME: You mean like…
GUY: Yanno, a boyfriend.
ME: *internal siren wailing* (thinks: uh-oh) I, uh, never… had one. Uhm. Are you hungry?
GUY: Not really, no. *smiles* So what are you looking for in a guy?
ME: *palpitates* Uhm, I like… boys-next-door. And uhm, *shuffles feet* smart dudes.
GUY: Yah?
ME: *changes the topic* Can I show you my talent?
GUY: Sure!
ME: *makes gigantic spitbubbles*

At this point, guys usually excuse themselves to go to the C.R.

But then there are also times when I really really really like guys and then I turn obsessive-stalkerish. I remember back in college I had a crush on this guy named Alex (if you’re reading this right now, I’m sorry for what I had you go through). Every single day, I’d give him random cheap chocolates, which I personally delivered to his class. It was sad, really. I could see balls of sweat streaming down his temple in embarrassment and everybody in the batch knew about it, even the professors.

There was a time, I even made him my famous yema but he turned out to be , well, lactose-intolerant. Apparently, giving boys flowers and cards with cheesy poetry normally doesn’t work. They’d hide from you and give you fake phone numbers. I also wrote “An Open Letter to the One I love” via e-mail and look where it got me. So kids, stay away from retarded ideas.

Well, the whole point of this entry is just to say how poor I am when it comes to boys/dating/flirting and it majorly sucks because I’m currently enamored with this guy (how can I not be? He’s so fakken cute and smart and his voice melts my egg cells!!) and I kinda want him to drag me to a dark corner and tear my clothes apart to make a good impression.

What do I do? HELP.

Love,
The girl who should stop acting like a gay guy

PS: I think my boobies are growing.
PPS: I can’t believe this is only my 14th entry.

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