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To celebrate Velentine’s Day, FunnySexy and The Noisy Man decided to do a collab and go all apeshit emo about love.It is based on Ade’s brilliant quote and just so you don’t get confused, the pink pragraphs are mine and his are blue. Totally gay, I know. Enjoy it, folks and even if it’s as long as my thesis paper!
Broccoli of Dating
by Kring Elenzano and Ade Magnaye
February 14, 2008 (c)
“We are the broccoli of dating. We’re good for people, they just don’t want us.”
I’ve been single for the past 22 years and I think I’ve somehow flaunted that fact like a tiara on my head. To me, NBSB = high standards. Not. In reality, I’ve cried a little too much thinking that maybe, just maybe, I’m not good enough. You see, guys only started asking me out last year. Hell, I had my first real kiss just before the 2007 elections and I have never received a love letter in my life. Not even anything that says “I crush you. Pautang naman ng pamasahe…” (I have a crush on you. Can I borrow fare money?)
I actually did that to someone. Y’see, I was broke way back in college and I needed money REAL badly. So I like looked for the ugliest fattest, richest girl I could find. So I wrote the mushiest love letter I could think of and then five paragraphs on I asked for a hundred bucks so I could afford to eat lunch. And then she probably fell in love with me then and there. Yeah, I got my lunch money but I spent the next three years of college with a fat girl hiding in the bushes everywhere I go. Also, it was scary- wait aren’t we writing about the Broccoli of Dating? Yeah, so I just got my 20th Valentine’s Day date rejection. And my fifth restraining order.
That’s the problem with you, guys! You take advantage of us girls who just want to be loved. I mean, I’m guilty of that, being the googly-eyed hopeless romantic that I am. I was the girl who’d walk in the rain, hoping that someone would care enough to share an umbrella with her. The girl who’d hang out by her lonesome on a rooftop, smiling and feeling the wind while listening to a Koreanovela soundtrack. The girl who’d write her phone number on bus seats, waiting for her knight in shining armor to become her “txtm8″. All because I was and still am nobody’s girl.
Yeah, but are you creepy? Exactly. But you see, I’m what you’d call the Gay Best Friend Only Straight. You honestly don’t know how many intimate stories I’ve heard from various (hot) women who apparently think I’m “safe”. It sucks, knowing that they’re dating an asshole and I’m here to listen to their stories, and totally willing to take care of them better. And guess what? They don’t see that! Why? Is it because I have boobs?
Well, to be politically correct, they’re manboobs, dear. Manboobs. And what are you talking about? I may not be the gay best friend but guys don’t think I’m female either! Fine. I’m bordering on alcoholic, I curse like a sailor, I crack more jokes than your uncle and I laugh like that obnoxious jeepney honk you often hear at Cubao or Marikina but I still have womanly sensibilities! I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, asking him to lo- wait. That’s Julia Roberts. I’m not your typical girl but who likes boring people anyway?
But I’m boring. However, I’m no douchebag. I don’t have the latest cars, I don’t break skulls in a dark alleyway, I don’t impregnate fifteen different women at once. In fact, I just like to cry at sunsets while I write poetry and paint the scenery and- wait, I think I finally figured out why I don’t nail the women. Suicide break brb.
Don’t kill yourself. You’re not alone. I might swing the other way myself if this whole thing continues. Or instead of being a lesbian, I can just lower my standards and go out with the next kanto boy who’d play DOTA at the internet shop across the street.
Why lower your standards? Kring, dear, that seriously reeks of desperate. I tried that once. Lowering your standards, I mean, not dating DOTA boys. I sent this girl a text and she replied with “Hi aDe! y3z, i rLy tXt d1$ w@y;;;;;”
Biggest. Mistake. Of. My. Life.
Because honey, that’s what you get when you message people who vandalize on public vehicles. Uhm. Yeah. But you know what, it dawned on me that perhaps, it’s not the guys, it’s me who has a problem- that I’ve watched a little too many Dawson’s Creek episodes and sang On My Own a tad too much that I’ve boxed myself in this whole unrequited love crap.
Bah. Dawson’s Creek. It does not, in any way, resemble real life. I mean, neither Dawson nor Pacey ended up with Joey. Guess who got Joey in the end. Tom Cruise. Yes, Tom Couch-Jumpin’ Cruise. And they’re deeply shrouded in Scientology. You see, real life doesn’t have to mirror a TV show. In fact, it never does. Trust me. I tried very hard to emulate the life of Jack Bauer (with manboobs), only to fail. So my point is that just because Joey loves Dawson and ended up with Tom Motherfuckin’ Cruise doesn’t mean you have to end up with an unrequited love. Maybe sometimes you just fall in love with an idea of a person and the reason that person becomes your great unrequited love is that you never really got to know the person well. In conclusion: you can actually have a vague idea of Dawson’s Creek storylines and give love advice without being gay. Please don’t think I’m gay. (I’m not)
I certainly hope so. It’d suck living life looking for that broccoli-eater (lolz i made a very vague dirty joke… get it? No? I hate you.) when, in fact, I don’t have any. Jaded as I may be, I’d like to think that there’s someone out there for me. Waiting. *a vagina sprouts out where my balls used to be*
PS: I honestly, seriously cried when Joey married the anti-Christ, I mean, Tom.
PPS: Me too. No wait.
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February 14th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
[...] Read the complete entry, “Brocolli of Dating”, on Kring’s blog! [...]
February 14th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
[...] Read the complete entry, “Broccoli of Dating”, on Kring’s blog! [...]
February 14th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
This is a joke, right? It can’t be true.It just can’t.
February 14th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
What can’t be true?
February 14th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Hey Ade, did I ever tell you I’m a boob man? I mean, whoever, whatever they’re on. Free later?
Heh, seriously tho, Broccoli is green, and green is the color of money. What I’m saying is, uhm, if you were filthy rich, then, uhm, you wouldn’t have any problems getting dates, or prunes for that matter, except of course, one is a middle-eastern treat like Steel, and the other is, uhm, high in fiber, but yah, filthy rich, wait, where was I?
Trying again:
So Ade, srsly, and the Bim will agree with me on this one: You are doing something right. That’s just my observations. Whatever they are, I will put even money that if you ever figure it out and wrote a book about it, Bim will be first in line to download it illegally. Maybe Mikey too. And my 41-yr-old still-single uncle.
Kring, not having had the pleasure of meeting you (I think, my memory suuuucks), here’s to hoping for that first guy (or girl…coz, you know, you never know, you know?) who borrows fare money from you via a lovestuck missive. May he/she pay his debts and kiss really well.
February 14th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Come on you guys! For one, Ade, man, you have cyber-stalkers getting your phone number from God-knows-where and you get fairly decent hits and you had it going on before with hot-chiq and people adore you (for whatever reason works). Kring, you are these things in one: gorgeous, spunky, sociable, confident, trendy, blah blah. I came up with several adjectives from only meeting you like once (not counting the firstand second times because they don’t count, period). Point is, you guys have your own markets so use your niche! Just be ready to accept it when the lovin’ pours because I can see that happening very very soon.
Um, or is this a joke? Seriously? Tell me I did not just give you ego-boosts from something that’s fiction.
Or, yeah, date each other!
February 14th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Yeah.. Date each other!
February 14th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Yeah, date each other!
Okay, you don’t know me. I just have to say it. @_@ Nice choice of a veggie, btw.
February 14th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Kring and Ade Try Zen mixed with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs then add a bit of reality check and pepper it eros philia agape. It might do the trick
February 14th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Yeah, date each other. Go.
February 14th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
^ walang panga yung smiley.
February 14th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
&:-]
February 14th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Ade…Ade knows more Dawson’s Creek than I do
February 14th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Ok. That smiley does not exist yet. LOL.
Me spams.
February 14th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
You are not going out with anyone right now, Kring, right? Not even a torpe kind, right? If there is one then, Ade, find yourself someone else. Shoo! LULZ
February 14th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
@ Benj
I can’t speak in behalf of Ade but everything I said and included here is true. Yeah, you can ask my “first kiss guy”. Or Dawson.
@ thegreatest
I like good kissers like totez. LOL.
@ Fritz
Kring, you are these things in one: gorgeous, spunky, sociable, confident, trendy, blah blah.
Awww… you make my flast chest happy! ^___^ And don’t worry, I’m real. I can even tell you the details of my stories.
@ Joni
OMGWUT
@ Mitch
Somebody’s gonna get jealous… XD
@ Juned
Okay. I’ll pretend I understood that.
February 14th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Ok, got that. Ade, it’s official. Back off! XD
February 14th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
@ Fritz: WHAT?!
February 14th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
@ Coy
OMG Carebear… Don’t be jealous!! \:D/
@ Frits again…
I’m not going out with anyone in particular right now. I mean, I’ve been going out with guys BUT I don’t have a “boyfriend” or anything…
February 14th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Since there’s nothing official yet, I play referee now. The race in ON people! Profess thine love nao or forevar hold yer peez, yo! (bilisan mo, kid. baka ka mahuli. No, not you Ade, cuz I now how cougar-fast you are LULZ)
February 14th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Cougar fast FTW!
February 14th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
@ Fritz for the 3rd time
LOL. Just so people know, I like crustaceans. And hard drinks. ^_^
February 14th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
^ Seeing how you went crazy over the shrimp-laden seafood pasta, I’m not surprised. =P
February 14th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Group date with cooked and uncooked invertebrates and processed/fermented alcohol. Yay!!!
February 14th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
can’t imagine a girl like you being single.
Anyway, I’m sure your fans wanna see a new vid so i tagged you.
February 14th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
@ Juned
But I don’t come near alcohol!! I don’t drink!! OMGLOL.
@ jaywalker
On youtube? lemme check.
February 15th, 2008 at 12:38 am
Shrimp cocktail then
Fritz & Coy can drink the beer or the wine 
February 15th, 2008 at 5:31 am
(LOL. Im a slow this morning, I kept figuring out why the entry gets redirected here)
Anyway, I can totally relate to everything you guys said, I dont know why.
February 15th, 2008 at 6:33 am
First off, I love that you guys have named yourselves the “broccoli of dating”. I’ve never heard of it before and I shall quote it from now on.
@kring – I say, keep waiting for a great guy to come along. I know, I know, you’ve waited long enough. However, you don’t want to just date the next guy that comes along, do you? Wait it out! There’s six billion+ humans in the world and around ninety million (last time I checked) in the Philippines.
@ade – I say, stop giving advice to girls and giving them your shoulder to lean on. You have got to get out of that “Gay Best Friend Only Straight” mindset and get into the groove of “Eligible Friend or Lover” mode. And you can’t do both because a girl is either going to perceive you as one or the other.
All in all, you both like your greens, so why not get together?
lol Anyways, I liked this article for I saw bits and pieces of my own thoughts as a woman. Hopefully both you will find a broccoli eater soon. 
February 15th, 2008 at 7:44 am
Kring and Ade….why do I smell love is in the air whenever you two are together.
Now seriously, don’t you go sending some ninjas over to my place for saying this. Just think of it! LOL
February 15th, 2008 at 8:03 am
@ Juned
I can drink Cali Shandy LOL.
@ Alohapenny
I like the fact that you can relate even to what Ade said. Toldja, Ade! ^_^
@ Paula
Right. I totally should move to Japan now, I knew it. I’d find my koibito there. Thanks for dropping by!
@Jhay
Wait Wut. Somebody’s gonna get jelling!!
February 15th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
kring you have no idea how much this article speaks to me right about now ;~; i’m always seen as the guy friend who happens to be a girl where guys go to to weasel to the girl they actually like, which most of the time turns out to be one of my best girlfriends. it’s annoying.
randomly, WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK TO KL??? DD; we miss you.
February 15th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
ok…I was rather confused reading thru this at first b/c I thought you develop a bipolar thing or something then it finally clicked that hey! there are two people writing. I guess all that college education did pay off after all.
First, I must state that I have always been a brocoli girl. Never was a potato chip gal myself, love that green tho.
Second, this is how I view relationship. It’s like a pair of Gucci Jeans. yeah, it’s nice to have but it doesn’t meant you have to be naked w/out one either. especially for a kick ass female like you.
Third, with each additional entry, you totally make me want to stalk I meant meet you more, Kring. Why must you be so awesome?
February 15th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Broccoli is rich in uric acid. Plus it’s hard to spell. So I don’t think you appeal to people with gout and arthritis who can’t spell good. Also, Ade is fatter than me.
February 15th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
WTF?! Did you diss DotA? Anyway… cute post!
And Ade, I’d date you… if I were single. Me thinks Me and Kring are one and same person… only I play DotA and my bf plays DotA.
February 16th, 2008 at 7:07 am
Ria, you forgot the fact that you’re in Davao.
February 16th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Kringu-chan! You said that this is a short post @___________@;;
You want a date ASAP? Try to contact a callboy XD Let’s have fun instead of going emo
or you could try getting a major makeover? I don’t really know what advise to give you folks since I’m single too -_____-;;
Why not date each other? XD Kring x Ade = LOL XD
February 17th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
damn it, ade! i just hibernated and now you have a love life! err…YM me about this soon, k? miss you much!
February 18th, 2008 at 12:34 am
ftw this entry is.
kring – it’d be safe to say that i’ve read just about every entry you have here. great entries. seriously. priceless videos too. this has got to be one of the most underrated blogs around. and so you know, if ever our paths cross, i’d really hit on you. but chances are you’d hit back – with a baseball bat. and a taser. on my nuts. /wrist
ade – grow some balls and hit on kring. beauty and brains in a weird (weird as in quirky lovable weird) packaging is hard to come by these days.
February 18th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
@Patches: I have a love life? O_o
February 19th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
kring, have to meet you…
ade, well…i would have to agree on some comments
February 20th, 2008 at 8:43 am
@ Lina
Oh, dear… I’m not really sure when. It’s been almost two years, huh. And I miss you, too!
@ Rossi
WTF I MISSED YOU, WOMAN! ALSO, IM AWESOME BECAUSE I EAT TOO MUCH SHRIMP. IT’S GOOD FOR YOU, BELIEVE ME. *glompage*
@ Pau
So I don’t think you appeal to people with gout and arthritis who can’t spell good.
Well, I’d say that should be a good thing.
@ Riajose
Come over to Manila then and date Ade! Should be fun!
@ Shokizuki
Uhm, I’m not THAT desperate, honey… NOT A CALLBOY NO. Also, I don’t want a date asap. I actually go out a lot.
@ CHeska
Ade has a lovelife? Wow! Oi Magnaye! Tell me about it!
@ Arc
Erm. Thanks. XD
@Chris
Have to meet me, huh? Please don’t be shocked if in real life you see me doing random cartwheels and such. LOL.
May 31st, 2008 at 12:39 am
MASARAP ANNG BROCcOLI!!!!