Guys Without Balls

- I thought of making a disclaimer that this is a non-male-bashin’ post but I decided not to. Take it however you want and please don’t make assumptions as to what evoked me to write this entry. -

“Akala ko iba ka. Akala ko ‘di ka tulad nila. Wala ka rin palang bayag. (I thought you were different. I thought you were not one of them. You, too, don’t have balls afterall.)”

I have long realized that one of the major reasons why I’m not too lucky with guys is because I think I have bigger balls than many of them. Sorry if this sounds cocky lolz. cock and balls in one paragraph ftw! but maybe, just maybe, it’s ‘coz I hang out with people my age, most of whom are still very insecure. I do not discount the fact, however, that (and I’ve been told this by A LLOOOTTT of people) I can be fierce and intimidating and look like I’m ready to slice off peens anytime.

But yeah, one of my pet peeves are guys without balls and I do mean that figuratively. I don’t discriminate against eunuchs and castrati, okay? I even made a list of the different kids of GWB’s (guys without balls) for mah ladies so they can stay away from ‘em.

1. “I have no balls that’s why I can’t fight for you.”

So you’ve been dating this guy and things are going well between both of you and then all of a sudden, over dinner, he tells you that you should stop seeing each other. Whoah WTF. Where’d that come from? Like a total wuss that he is, he then apologizes and explains that his friends and family talked to him about you and gave their disapproval (because you’re Pinoy and he’s Chinese or he’s from an affluent family and you’re not or they learned about your past and his mom went berserk).

I’m not saying I’m the biggest fan of the “you and me against the world” kind of relationships but why go out in the first place with someone whom you know your family would disapprove of? Oh, right. ‘Coz you’re an idiot.

2. “I woke up and my ballocks are gone so I would ditch you like nothing happened.”

I’m not sure if this is better or worse than the first one but let’s say you’ve been going out with this guy for a couple of months already and you’ve been lovey-dovey (and maybe intimate) with each other, albeit nothing’s official yet. You wake up in the morning to his sweet SMS’s and he’s the one you call up first if something comes up. He has hung out with your barkada, too, and you’ve even already told your mom about him. And then one day, he just stops texting. And calling. And messaging you on YM. And you panic at first and wonder what the hell’s going on. You try to reach him for weeks but to no avail until it eventually dawns on you that he has dropped you like a hot potato as if nothing happened.

Dear, seriously. You deserve none of that shit so stop drowning your self in pity and vodka. I’m pretty sure he woke up that day to find his testicles gone and that his penis has shrunk into a twig-looking thing and he’s just too embarrassed to show his self to you.

3. “I have peanuts for balls that I can barely look you in the eyes.”

This is the most common type of GWB’s, I believe and some people would refer to them as “torpe”. I don’t mind them, really, and even think it’s somehow cute. Unless, of course they’re 23 years old or older… Those guys were probably bullied back in high school or suffered from so much rejection that they piss their pants at the idea of coming up to a girl to chat with her. They obviously wouldn’t ask out a strong, independent woman so consider your self lucky, my friend if “the torpes” don’t hit on you.

4. “My balls have evaporated so I can’t commit”

Much as I’d like to be more understanding of guys who are in pseudo-relationships but refuse to commit, I just can’t be. Is it because I’m too exposed to their kind? Well, to cut them some slack, they probably have their own reasons and maybe it’s a mutual agreement, too. But what if the girl is already asking the GWB to be her boyfriend and he doesn’t want to as he still wants to screw see other people? And when he gets caught in bed doing it with someone else, he’d be all “Shuddup, bitch! You ain’t my girlfriend. What the fuck are you wailing about? ” Sure, the girl is fucking stupid but the dude is an asshole.

5. “I do not know of these testicles that you speak of so I shall break up with you through SMS/IM/my Facebook status.”

I think they are the worst- not that I’ve personally encountered them in my life. Happened to some people I know so this is for you, girls…

Your world would come crashing down, too, if one lazy Sunday, while watching Ugly Betty you receive a message from your man whom you’ve been with for 2 1/2 years that says “im sry, i thnk we shd brkUp. lez st0p seeing each odr.” You look at the phone for what seems like an eternity and when reality hits you, you hyperventilate. You call him up but his phone is dead and you never hear from him again. Ever. And you just had a nice dinner the night before so there were no signs at all that there was something going on. If this has happened to you, worry not. You’re not alone. Even a huge Korean star recently experienced it.

It isn’t limited to text messages, however. Some girls have been dumped through yahoo or msn messengers. Yup, their men are such jerks that they can’t even give their ladies a call. Hell, how about not hearing from your guy for weeks only to read on his Facebook profile that his status is “Single”?!?!

A mature conversation between two adults won’t hurt, don’t you think? How about talking about it over dinner or if you GWB’s can’t look them in the eyes, at least talk to your girlfriends over the phone where you can explain your side clearly. Don’t leave ‘em hanging in the air just like that, chanting “what the fuck!?” over and over again. Wait. I forgot. Only real men break up properly and they GWB’s obviously are not.

Yeah. So that’s about it. If it sounded too angsty or male-hating, well, too bad. Just a reminder again, these are my opinion and I’m entitled to them. If you disagree with what I said, then make your own blog entry about it. Bato-bato sa langit ang tamaan, ‘wag magagalit. Ang OA sa comment, guilty i.e., walang bayag lolz!