Death of a Dream

This is the part where I pour my heart out.

It has been a while since I’ve written anything while I was very emotional. Given everything that I put on this blog, some may forget that this is primarily a personal blog, which has become my own journal for years now. So bear with me and my rambling, please. I really need to let this out into the universe. I actually have no idea what has gotten into me. Just a few minutes ago, I was busy fixing my portfolio and resume when suddenly, a surge of emotions came over me and then tears began to roll down my cheeks.

I never announced it in public, mainly because there was no point, but since early this year, I have been a freelancer. I left a stable job to pursue my passion and my life-long dream of becoming an actress/host/talent. To some people, even my family, it was a crazy decision. I had a very good jump start in my career, having been given the opportunity to be a professional TV director and producer at the young age of 21. But things happened and things changed. I worked very hard and loved my craft though eventually, my “real calling” started to haunt me again. After a year of contemplating on it, I gave in.

So here I am now, staring at my own achievements, yet feeling empty. Why did I not pursue my dreams when I was younger? Why did I have to wait this long? What do I have to do to make it big, to be influential, to become a household name? It has only been 4 months since this journey began and I must admit, I didn’t expect it to be this rocky and hard. There are so many aspiring talents out there who are prettier, sexier and more importantly, has more connections so what are my chances? And what the hell am I doing with my life anyway? Damn, I worked so hard and I don’t even have a car?

I am not that naive to think that I’m the only person struggling with this. On a daily basis, people from all walks of life are trying to make their own dreams come true, dreams that are as simple as getting a decent job, finishing their education or finding their true love… And on a regular basis, too, dreams are shattered and lost. Sad that so many others have even been robbed of the capacity to dream.

To be honest, some opportunities have been coming my way and I regretfully had to turn them down, for one reason or another. Job offers, money-making opportunities, associations with brands, etc. It had made me wonder, what if my chances have run out and I am now left to rot in my own regret? What if I wasn’t really the “superstar empress” that I thought my self to be?

This is the part where I genuinely feel bad about all these. The part where I acknowledge and am thankful that I am surrounded and loved by so many wonderful people and blessed with the good things in life and yet I feel like I’m missing out on things I was born to do. This is the part where I don’t fish but I merely just want to let all my frustrations out. Please do not think I’m shallow. I, too am allowed to be sad and vulnerable once in a while, right?

Giving up on our dreams is so easy, especially when things aren’t going according to our plans. If you’ve read this far, you’d understand that I’m in a state of confusion right now. But easier as it is to just let go of everything I ever believed in, I’ll try to continue holding on. Nay, I WILL HOLD ON. Maybe I was really born foolish and stubborn but I know that He wouldn’t give me these talents, skills and gifts for nothing. At a very young age, I knew that I was born to do something great and I hope to use that to inspire other girls, other Filipinos, other people – not just to keep on holding on but perhaps to dream once again. So I will work harder and work smarter and maybe tomorrow, I’ll meet a high-profile talent manager.

This is the part where I feel much better. Thank you if you’ve read this far.

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