Letters to Victor (Part 4)
Letter # 10 – September 27, 2007 – 02:30 pm
“Talking to you was like watching a romantic-comedy movie”, a person once told me. Well, like in any other movies or books for that matter, each act or chapter shall end, too.
I’ve decided, after fighting with my own self to not pursue you anymore. I could have endless emotional battles within me but it isn’t worth my time or effort. I’m sorry if I do sound rude but quite honestly, I’m not sure who you are anymore. Not like we’ve known each other that long but seeing your own psychological struggles, I don’t think I can put up with that when I myself am trying to find me.
I was reaching out, flirting if you may (and you know I feel uncomfortable doing that) but still, no matter what I did, I couldn’t quite break into that hardened wall that surrounds your soul. On top of that, I can see that you don’t like me anyway. Pfft. I’m through with fruitless emotional investments.
If ever you get to read this, please do not think you did anything wrong. As always, it’s me and I’m really the one with issues. If anything, you were just being your cold, shy, unsure self. Awesome, yes, but indifferent nonetheless. Okay, I will be honest. I’m disappointed at myself that I even started liking you and disappointed at you for… I don’t know what, really.
But I want to keep the friendship. Really, I still do believe you’re an amazing guy. Yeah, right. As if you’d even want to talk to me after this. Anyway, love is a decision, as they say. And I’ve decided, I won’t love you.
Wait, no. This is God’s answer to my prayers… At the end it’s going to be a lame sad story again and He’s just trying to protect my calloused heart, I guess.
Letter # 11 – October 3, 2007 – 09:11 am
Rather than me spending time thinking about the possibilities of you and I, I realized that I should just enjoy the moment and let things be. That way, I wouldn’t have to go insane and mope over the fact that you will never like me the way I do you. Now, at this very minute, all I know is that you add to my happiness and bring color to my usually stressful life. And that’s more than enough. I haven’t smiled “idiotly” like this in a while after all.
More than that, well - this sounds pathetic - but somehow, I started to think of things we can do together. Like watch The Classic (and see you cry like a baby because admit it, you’re sensitive like that), go to Alchemy and dance the night away (I want to see if the only dance you know is wriggling), eat palabok at Lopez, which can only be found right outside UST (I must’ve gotten my typhoid there but who cares), watch the sunset at the beach (I’ve been doing this all alone ever since) and talk inside your car at the Commonwealth shell station in ungodly hours (I’d even buy you a pack of Pick One if you want).
And all these, I want to do… holding your hand.
And CUT! Good take! Safety! I swear I should wake up from these retarded dreams. Even in my privacy, I’m sssooooo embarrassing myself.
Letter # 12 – October 4, 2007 – 08:53 am
This might be the last of my letters. You will get to read them soon. After all, there’s nothing else to hide when just a few hours ago I broke down in front of you and tragically poured out my sour milk of feelings. By the way, that wasn’t the alcohol talking. That was me talking. In all honesty. Bleeding. It must’ve been triggered by booze but that’s as raw as I can probably get.
And as in any other alcohol-induced confessions, there’s a little bit of regret the moment drunkenness wears off. Now, I don’t think I can ever show my face to you anymore. I mean, I will but you already saw the train wreck that is me and I’m really ashamed of that.
But still, I want to tell you so many things.
I want to thank you. Not to repeat myself again but you’re just one awesome guy. Whoever that woman is for you is going to be really blessed. You may not have met her yet but I’m sure she’s exuding with happiness already. My own knight in shining armor will come eventually. Hopefully soon. I was kinda hoping it would be you but fate had dictated otherwise.
Remembering the silly things I did last night, I realize I pretty much offered myself to you and you rejected me point blank. So Joey-Dawson, it brings a smile on my face. If you were some other guy (like say, you know, the “other” finalist), you would’ve jumped on the opportunity and did it with me. But you are not. You are special. Thank you.
I’m rather happy though that I haven’t fallen in love with you yet. You know me, I get stuck for years. At least, this early on in the game, I was forced to put a cap on my growing feelings so I won’t have to hurt too much eventually. Though I still somehow lost. Much as we’d both want to deny it (and you insist that I won a friend), I did lose again.
I’d hold on to your words though. I’d win. Someday.
Again. Thanks a lot! Bear in mind that you have a very special place in my heart. I look forward to our friendship and seeing how this romantic-comedy movie will continue.
I got kinda emotional reading the last one. It’s been 5 years and we’re still friends. Victor was right… I eventually won. Hope you guys enjoyed this and that it somehow inspired you. Remember, do not be afraid to say how you feel.
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